Sid Roth

Sid:  My guest by way of telephone is Dr. Tedd Tripp, Pastor of Grace Fellowship Church in Hazelton, Pennsylvania. I’ve got a copy of his book “Shepherding a Child’s Heart.” And the thing that makes this so different than most books that are written for parents on how to raise their children it’s not based on psychology it’s based on how to have a genuine heart change. And Ted you said something very difficult on yesterday’s broadcast.  I poised the question to you television it seems it’s either New Age, or its violence, or its sex.   One of those 3 things come through in almost everything and violence is the strongest and kids are taking karate lessons and their taught how to defend themselves and don’t let anyone bully you.  And you said the total opposite give me an example.

Tedd: Well the word of God says that “We overcome evil with good do not be overcome with evil friends but overcome evil with good” Roman’s 12.  My son he was about 18 he had an automobile accident one night and another boy about his age that lives not too far from us was involved in the accident as well. A few days later my son was swimming at a swimming hole, we have a waterfalls near our home and kids go down their swimming and he was swimming with some friends and this young man came up to him and he said “Are you Aaron Tripp and my son said “Yes I am.” And he said “Okay this is for my car, he hauled off and he slugged him in the jaw and knocked him backwards off of some rocks into the water.”  And my son got out and the other people that were with him they were ready to have a rumble you know and they’re going to run to his defense and you know “We don’t have to take this and so forth.”  And he said “No” he said “We’re going to leave and we’ll trust God with this but we’re not going to overcome evil with evil” and they left.

Sid: Now that is very difficult to do!

Tedd:  That takes more courage than it does to have a fight.  And it takes more faith than it does to have a fight. It doesn’t take grace to knock someone’s block off but to overcome evil with good it takes grace and it takes faith.  Well one of the girls that was there that day there was some fellows and girls in this gang of kids who had gone swimming with Aaron and one of the girls that was there she was just overwhelmed with it.  And many subsequent conversations she had with my daughter I think God really worked in her through that experience she had just never seen anyone respond in that way before.

Sid: Picture speaks more than a 1000 words to just see it happen rather than just read it in a test tube. When you heard that story that had to excite you as a father.

 

Tedd: Yes it really did I was thrilled that where the rubber meets the road as a young man who is 18 or so at the time he had made that choice because it was obviously his choice it wasn’t a choice that I participated in.  And it was a choice that reflected his own growing conviction that he can live a life of faith and trust God and do what was right.

Sid: Why is it that children have such a great problem communicating with adults are the protecting themselves, are they hiding their heart or what are they doing? And then when they grow up they still have this problem of opening up and communicating.

Tedd: Sure.  Well I think…you know I think Sid that we misunderstand communication. If you ask most people what about their communication ability “Are you a good communicator?” They immediately think of their ability to express their ideas.  And I would submit to you in a biblical vision the finest art of communication is not the ability to express our ideas but the ability to understand the thoughts an ideas of the other person.  For parents it’s the ability to understand the thoughts and the ideas of our children.  Proverbs 18:2 speaks to this with such power it says “A fool finds no pleasure in understanding but delights in airing his own opinions.” Now think about that, where foes a fool find pleasure?  He doesn’t find pleasure in understanding the other person he finds pleasure in airing his own opinion. And you know I’ve got to ask myself “Well, how many times have I’d been fooled in conversations with my kids?” I remember one night I went down to talk with one of children it was bed time and I went to his room and I said “I want to talk to you.” And I spoke to him I didn’t say anything cruel or abusive I had something on my chest that I wanted to get off my chest and got done talking and I said “Now I’m glad we had this chance to talk together; I’m going to pray for you and I’m going to go to bed.” So I prayed for him and I went to bed a few minutes later he’s knocking at the door “Dad are you up?” “Yeah, what’s up?”  He said “Dad I just want to say when you left the room you said that you were glad that we had a good talk and I just want to say dad that I didn’t say anything.”  And I said “Oh my forgive me your right I had a good talk.”

Sid: (Laughing)

Tedd: He said “Yeah sort of.”  “Well if you were going to say something what would you have said to me?”  And he said to me this is a vintage teenager he said “I don’t know it doesn’t matter now I just want to say I didn’t say anything.” And the sub-texture is “I’m not going to be that easy dad you’re going to have to draw this out.”

Sid: (Laughing)

Tedd: But you know that’s what the Proverbs are talking about sometimes teenagers don’t talk because parents are only interesting to speaking at their kids they’re not interested in drawing their kids out.  Another Proverb “He who answers before listening that’s his folly and his shame” well, how many times do we do that as parents I know what you’re going to ask the answer is “No.” “But dad I didn’t even have a chance to ask my question.” “You don’t have to ask your question I know everything.”

Sid: It’s a gr…that is a great way to damage their heart.

Tedd: Oh for sure and you know what this kid walks away feeling is “I can’t get to first base with you; you don’t even want to give me a hearing, you snapped out your no before you ever even understood what I was going to ask.”  And he doesn’t walk away thinking “Boy I’m glad my dad’s a mind reader.” He walks away thinking “You know I can’t talk to this man.” And I’m telling him “You know you can’t talk to me.” Then when I want him to talk he doesn’t have anything to say “Well?” You know this is what I’ve done.” Your know Proverbs 20 verse 5 says “For the purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters but a man of understanding draws them out.”  You know that’s what we need to be we need to people of understanding to know how to draw out those deep waters in our children. And you know I talk to parents and I talk about this in seminars and one of the illustrations I use is “You know that this is really what Christ does in the incarnation.” Because in the incarnation Christ comes and He dwells with us, He lives in a body like ours, He has a human psychology on this earth. He’s tired and hungry at Jacobs well at John 4 and He weeps at Lazarus tomb in John chapter 10. He experiences life on this earth, He looks at the world though our eyes He understands what it means to be touched with the feelings of our infirmities and so He’s able to help us. And that’s the whole note of Hebrews 4 “We don’t have a High Priest that’s unable to sympathize but we have one that is tempted at every point like we are without sin and therefore we can approach His throne of grace with confidence and find mercy and grace and help in our time of need.” And that’s really what we need to do with our kids; we need to be people who can enter into their world who can understand their struggles and who because we understand can speak truth to them in the ways that they need to hear it in order to really grow.

Sid: How else are we going to get our children to trust us if we don’t listen to them?

Kyle:  You’re exactly right and see what happens is our bits of advice and which may even be good advice they misfire because we haven’t really gained a hearing with our kids. Let me give you a real quick illustration I’ll try to make it quick.  You go shopping with your kids you’re out to buy shoes alright he’s trying to find a pair of shoes he likes and your saying “What’s the matter with those those are really sharp I like those why don’t you get those.”  And you try to talk him into the pair you can afford. So your back home the next day and he’s putting the shoes on that he didn’t like the night before he’s on his way to school he’s crying about these shoes. Now if want to delight in airing your own opinion you can have a conversation like this you can say “Look I know you didn’t like those shoes but those are the only ones I could afford.” But what would your friend Job say if I told him you were crying over your shoes don’t be such a wimp you know what are those kids there are they shoe experts or something don’t worry about what they think of your shoes; you know those shoes you don’t like cost more than my first car I have more important things to do than worry about these shoes; I’ve got to go out and earn some money to buy more shoes no one around here likes.”  Now I have communicated right.

Sid: Hm.

Kyle: But really what I’ve done is I’ve iced myself out.  The problem doesn’t go away now I simply had told this child “I don’t want to hear it, shut up and wear the shoes you know I don’t want to enter into your problem.”  Now the problem doesn’t go away I’m just not going to be part of it, not going to be part of the solution.  But see if I want to have, if I want to delight in understanding I could have a conversation like this.  I could say “You’re upset about the shoes aren’t you?” “Yeah.”   “I didn’t think you like them when we got them last night but you didn’t want to tell me did you?” “No.”  “What didn’t you like about them?”  “They look stupid.” “I don’t know what you mean.”  “Joe said I look like a dweeb.” When did Joe see them we just got them last night.” Chris got a pair like this and Joe made fun at him last week, yesterday and told him he looked like a dweeb.  “What looks dweeby about those shoes?”  “You know the red stripe up the back Dad there’s last years shoes that’s why they were only $89.”

Sid: (Laughing)

Kyle: Now what are you learning here valuable stuff?” So I considered this kid “Yeah you’re upset.” You know their going to make fun of me and I don’t want my shoes to look like I know that they are going to make fun of me today.” Now in this kids world that problem is the biggest thing in his world at this moment.

Sid: Tedd I’m sorry we’re out of time. Are many households significantly changed when they practice these principals?

Kyle: I have a pile of letters where parents say “Our lives have been changed.”

Sid: Oops we’re out of time.